The Road We All Have to Walk

It's funny. Once upon a time, this blog used to be intensely personal. If you can find the previous avatar of this one, you can still find my heart laid bare all over the place. I suggest you don't read it coz it's totally embarrassing :). But these days, writing anything personal seems like a chore. There are too many doors to open, even if I want to write a little bit about what I feel. And I'm not the person who says personal things in a vague manner. If I'm hurting, I say so, and I'm sure at least a few of the readers of this blog won't be comfortable with that :).

All I can say is, things are changing so much for me that it's bewildering. Simply put, I can't write about it here. It's way too personal.

But you see someone else going through the same phase that you did years ago. And they will probably make the same mistakes that you did. You want to warn them not to, but you suddenly realize that it's not your fight. Getting involved, will only mean getting hurt once again. I did that a long time ago, and I'm still paying the price for that. Well, I guess we all learn our life lessons the hard way. All you can do is hope they're smarter than you and avoid the mistakes that you did. Good luck, and peace out.

I made one....

In the spirit of making hard decisions, I made one today. I killed a pet project of mine. There is a chance that it might be revived, but it's quite remote. Yeah, probably in a related avatar, but it had to go. I apologize to all the people who have worked very hard on this. Also to people who are supposed to work on it, but by then I was having my doubts.

This is still quite hard, because this project has been going on and off for close to 2 years. Yes, it is still very dear to my heart. And there is a need for it. But to take this project to it's full potential, it would take a lot more of my involvement, and commitment in the form of time, money and other resources. Which, I unfortunately cannot afford to, right now.

Sure, I know I'm quitting on this project, which I don't tend to do very often, but this is just the beginning in a long series of changes that are coming. The last one year has taught me very important lessons. Though I can't call it a successful one, I learned so much. It is absolutely true; adversity teaches you much more than success does. And the last year pretty much ended up changing my life. Absolutely, for the better.

What have I learned from what some would call a "fiasco"? Do the very best thing you can do. Don't under-change yourself. If you don't feel at least a little bit scared, you're not living life fully. Even if you fail miserably, you will learn as much about yourself as about the thing you failed at.

Wonder why?

I'm not much on the legal procedures front, but I'm just wondering after reading this, as to why we don't have a trial by jury? I mean, how can we be sure that one person, the judge, has no personal biases, nor susceptible to popular sentiments? Just thinking.

Good bye, Grandad.

Recently, my grandpa passed away. Though I had a great fondness for my mom's dad, and I still kinda miss him, my dad's dad is not that kind of 'lovable' person. For one, he's a strict disciplinarian, and not the kind of person who pets you or anything. But still, when he passed away recently, I felt a strange kind of longing.

Though he has always been the tough-love kind of grandad, the love is quite obvious. I still remember the day when as a kid, I fell into a bucket of boiling water. It's funny now that I think about it, but then I was in a lot of pain. I was wearing a kind of sweater, since it was early morning, and my abdominal skin was in boils and was peeling. My grandad took off the sweater with great care, stripped me naked, and carried me all the way to the nearest hospital in his arms, still in his bedclothes. I still remember the shocked looks people gave me, as I was wailing away on the street as he carried me.

Oh, and I still remember the time when he used to apply skin lotion with a crow's feather when I came down with a bad case of skin infection when I came back from my hostel. But perhaps most importantly, I think the greatest gift he gave me, and my dad of course, is his sense of right and wrong. Apart from one of the first highly educated people of his times in our hometown, he was also a freedom fighter, MLA, and a magistrate. I still hear stories of the revolver he used to carry during the days of freedom struggle. He was instrumental in carrying out an armed surrounding of our hometown, on which the French-controlled govt. surrendered.

Even then, he has been forgiven by the outgoing French govt., and was given an option to become a French citizen recognizing his previous services to the govt., which he promptly turned down. Yes, people were incredulous, because getting French citizenship was like a ticket to prosperity, and he especially, would have profited enormously, because he was an expert in civil procedures. He just continued to be a small time lawyer and notary. I think that kind of idealism certainly flows in his kids, and his grandchildren too.

Of course, he was not perfect, and there are plenty of family stories that would cast him in a negative light. Which I'm not going to concentrate on. He was one hell of a grandpa, and I would like to remember him so, in spite of all his faults. Good bye, granddad. Though I never had the guts to tell you this, I always loved and admired you. You were a great human being, and will not be forgotten in a hurry. Thanks for everything you have given me.

Letting go.

Sometimes, it's the hardest thing to do. You're afraid about the tag that automatically comes with letting go - "failure". So you hang on, desperately trying to make it work. Sometimes, hanging on makes sense, and is the right thing to do - when you know you are fighting the good fight. But sometimes, you come to a point when hanging on might mean success in the eyes of the world, but a failure in yours. It's then, that you have to take the risk of being branded a failure and let go.

I did just that a few days back, but the ingredients were falling into place for a while. It was quite painful to do. Because, this time, a lot of people are watching - but in the end, you just have to trust your gut and go for it. It can be quite liberating - yes, failing is a painful thing to endure, but it is necessary for us to learn. It was necessary for me to realize what it is that I'm really fighting for - and take a good hard look at if I'm fighting the right battle.

So now, I'm in the "fallback and re-group" mode. Biding my time, until it's time to go to war again. This time wiser, and surer. And even that is not easy. Sometimes being at war gives you such a high that you never really take a good look at the losses mounting behind your back. When you do, the sinking feeling comes home. But you knew this day might come, and you're just seeing it in reality now. No big surprise. All that you have left is, a sense of a battle well fought, and lessons learned. The hard way. Bring it on.

Overwhelmed.

This seems to be happening so often lately - I start a post, and suddenly, I don't want to finish it. So many things seem to be happening at the same time, that I'm not sure if it's the most exciting time or the most awful time for me. Half of my life seems to be going in the right direction, and the other half seems to be going the madhouse. Crazy times.

Failure. Discovery. Hope. Joy. Loneliness. Excitement. Doubt. Peace. Only one thing is sure, though. I'm doing what is right. At least I hope so. I wouldn't know what to do without the music. This song seems so apt: "Last Night A DJ Saved My Life". Rock on.

Once again...

Once again, you look anew at the question that always haunted you. The one that you always ran away from. Once again, you look at the possibilities that open like a hundred flowers. You wonder if are really allowed to smell them. Or pick them. The past defections haunt you... and you calmly wonder if it will be the same again. All you have is a grim determination that it won't be the same again. Coz if you flake out now, the cost will be too high the next time.

Thoughts on Money, Life

Aaron Swartz is a smart guy. Apart from being a pretty famous geek, he also writes quite well. He's written something recently which made me think. Well, these days I neither have the energy or time to write lengthy forceful philosophical arguments. Because, my world view has been changing a lot to. Something very unexpected and special happened to me, and it is forcing me to reconsider all my previous choices and philosophical stances.

For example, I was staunchly against giving money to beggars before. Whatever the condition, no money for beggars. That's it. Now, I'm not so sure anymore. While philosophically I still believe it's the correct stance, it doesn't change the fact that the old woman would be going a little hungrier because I refused to give alms. Of course, I still refuse to give money to kids and young women, but I'm definitely a little more considerate towards old people begging.

The point is, I'm changing. Things what I thought were set in stone are no longer so. You can say my belief system is shaking up. But for the better, I think. I'm a little less tightly wound, a little more considerate, and a little more forgiving towards people who are less than what they can be. Why? Because, I have seen how even imperfect people create absolute beauty in what they do. For example - one of my favorite artists, a life long drug addict, produces music that sometimes makes me want to cry. I am pretty sure my life is a little better because I got to listen to his music. So what gives me the right to sit in judgement on what others do with their life?

France - I used to have endless arguments with my french cousin about how her country is hopelessly socialist, doing it all wrong and is screwed up in so many ways. But I see that it is the only country which stood up to China with regards to Olympics. The Olympic torch was extinguished thrice in Paris and brought sharp focus to the Tibet problem. Compare that to our so called neo-capitalist country - like pussies, our govt. provided unprecedented security to the torch, which was pretty much invisible to the general public, and was only too keen to suppress pro-Tibet protests and toe the Chinese line. So a supposedly socialist country did a better job of upholding the ideal of liberty than a capitalist one, which is supposed to do that job better (at least in my book).

Of course, that only makes my guilt heavier - I did judge somebody very close once and hurt them very badly. And I'm still hopelessly sorry about it. My friend, if you are reading this, and if you still consider me that, I'm terribly sorry, I should not have done what I did. So what's the point I'm trying to make? Keep searching. What you thought is the truth, might not be. Be ready to question even your staunchest beliefs. That's all I can say.

So, now that my belief system is shaken so thoroughly, am I the sadder person? Surprisingly, not at all. I'm all the more happier, because I feel I'm a better person now. I found something new that brings new meaning to my life (no, it's not a girl, in case you're wondering). I'm taking a lot of things easier, and I hope I'm becoming an easier person to get along with. Time will tell :).

Movies are my escape.

I just realized that apart from music, movies are my escape. If I don't want to dwell on the darkness I sometimes see, I just go watch a movie. Thankfully, it doesn't involve alcohol or shopping :).

Women in my life!

As the cliched old saying goes, there is a woman behind every man's success. I don't know if I'm a success or not, but I keep getting surprised by how my times I was changed by some exceptional women. When I was studying in Hyderabad, I was surprised by the first-class treatment I got from my aunt. Of course, she's after all my dad's younger sister, but still. She seemed to get a special satisfaction from inviting me over to their house pretty much every weekend, and treated me as well as their son. I mean, I lived in other relatives houses, but I was never treated like I was part of their family, except for this aunt's place. I was always given the first-class treatment.

She would never realize how much she inspired me about treating people the way you would want to be treated by others. Oh, she helped me so many times when things were tight financially. I mean, she had no reason to do this. I had other aunts in the same place, but this aunt, despite her faults and fears, is a first-class human being. Thank you dear aunt, for inspiring me, and I hope I will get the chance to show my gratitude some day.

Next, my landlady. Another superb human being. I simply can't remember ever having an issue with her. In what must be the ultimate "good boy" stamp for me, she decided that I don't eat right, and invited me for breakfast today. I mean, all of you must've had a nice landlord, but she is actually waiting 6 months for me to move into an office space that I was going to occupy. Needless to say, she is foregoing substantial amount of money. She has absolutely no reason to. She even obsesses over the way I dress! I thought it would be hard to replace my aunt for a surrogate mom. Surprisingly, my landlady is giving her good competition.

Last, but not the least, my last serious girlfriend. She accurately predicted that I will know what I lost when she moves on. I remember giving a pretty cocky answer, but yeah, she's pretty much right. I never realized how much of a lucky bastard I was to have her, but you know, you make pretty stupid mistakes every once in a while. But anyways, she continues to set the standard in my taste, things I care for and probably the most important manner, my ambition. I still see a restaurant or any outfit with her sniffy "is this place worth having me" outlook. I still wonder how horrified she would have been if I eat in a lowly place. She set the standard so high, that I inevitably end up comparing my prospective girlfriends with her. You might call that silly, but that's how it is.

Well, I guess you might notice that I have omitted my mom. Well, for
that, one blog post wouldn't be enough. The sweetest thing ever. Okay,
she has her faults, but c'mon, I couldn't have asked for a better one. So the point is, all these women, have in some way or the other, made my life better in countless ways. This is just to say thank you. And I will never forget what you have done for me.