I made one....

In the spirit of making hard decisions, I made one today. I killed a pet project of mine. There is a chance that it might be revived, but it's quite remote. Yeah, probably in a related avatar, but it had to go. I apologize to all the people who have worked very hard on this. Also to people who are supposed to work on it, but by then I was having my doubts.

This is still quite hard, because this project has been going on and off for close to 2 years. Yes, it is still very dear to my heart. And there is a need for it. But to take this project to it's full potential, it would take a lot more of my involvement, and commitment in the form of time, money and other resources. Which, I unfortunately cannot afford to, right now.

Sure, I know I'm quitting on this project, which I don't tend to do very often, but this is just the beginning in a long series of changes that are coming. The last one year has taught me very important lessons. Though I can't call it a successful one, I learned so much. It is absolutely true; adversity teaches you much more than success does. And the last year pretty much ended up changing my life. Absolutely, for the better.

What have I learned from what some would call a "fiasco"? Do the very best thing you can do. Don't under-change yourself. If you don't feel at least a little bit scared, you're not living life fully. Even if you fail miserably, you will learn as much about yourself as about the thing you failed at.

Wonder why?

I'm not much on the legal procedures front, but I'm just wondering after reading this, as to why we don't have a trial by jury? I mean, how can we be sure that one person, the judge, has no personal biases, nor susceptible to popular sentiments? Just thinking.

Letting go.

Sometimes, it's the hardest thing to do. You're afraid about the tag that automatically comes with letting go - "failure". So you hang on, desperately trying to make it work. Sometimes, hanging on makes sense, and is the right thing to do - when you know you are fighting the good fight. But sometimes, you come to a point when hanging on might mean success in the eyes of the world, but a failure in yours. It's then, that you have to take the risk of being branded a failure and let go.

I did just that a few days back, but the ingredients were falling into place for a while. It was quite painful to do. Because, this time, a lot of people are watching - but in the end, you just have to trust your gut and go for it. It can be quite liberating - yes, failing is a painful thing to endure, but it is necessary for us to learn. It was necessary for me to realize what it is that I'm really fighting for - and take a good hard look at if I'm fighting the right battle.

So now, I'm in the "fallback and re-group" mode. Biding my time, until it's time to go to war again. This time wiser, and surer. And even that is not easy. Sometimes being at war gives you such a high that you never really take a good look at the losses mounting behind your back. When you do, the sinking feeling comes home. But you knew this day might come, and you're just seeing it in reality now. No big surprise. All that you have left is, a sense of a battle well fought, and lessons learned. The hard way. Bring it on.

Overwhelmed.

This seems to be happening so often lately - I start a post, and suddenly, I don't want to finish it. So many things seem to be happening at the same time, that I'm not sure if it's the most exciting time or the most awful time for me. Half of my life seems to be going in the right direction, and the other half seems to be going the madhouse. Crazy times.

Failure. Discovery. Hope. Joy. Loneliness. Excitement. Doubt. Peace. Only one thing is sure, though. I'm doing what is right. At least I hope so. I wouldn't know what to do without the music. This song seems so apt: "Last Night A DJ Saved My Life". Rock on.

Once again...

Once again, you look anew at the question that always haunted you. The one that you always ran away from. Once again, you look at the possibilities that open like a hundred flowers. You wonder if are really allowed to smell them. Or pick them. The past defections haunt you... and you calmly wonder if it will be the same again. All you have is a grim determination that it won't be the same again. Coz if you flake out now, the cost will be too high the next time.

Thoughts on Money, Life

Aaron Swartz is a smart guy. Apart from being a pretty famous geek, he also writes quite well. He's written something recently which made me think. Well, these days I neither have the energy or time to write lengthy forceful philosophical arguments. Because, my world view has been changing a lot to. Something very unexpected and special happened to me, and it is forcing me to reconsider all my previous choices and philosophical stances.

For example, I was staunchly against giving money to beggars before. Whatever the condition, no money for beggars. That's it. Now, I'm not so sure anymore. While philosophically I still believe it's the correct stance, it doesn't change the fact that the old woman would be going a little hungrier because I refused to give alms. Of course, I still refuse to give money to kids and young women, but I'm definitely a little more considerate towards old people begging.

The point is, I'm changing. Things what I thought were set in stone are no longer so. You can say my belief system is shaking up. But for the better, I think. I'm a little less tightly wound, a little more considerate, and a little more forgiving towards people who are less than what they can be. Why? Because, I have seen how even imperfect people create absolute beauty in what they do. For example - one of my favorite artists, a life long drug addict, produces music that sometimes makes me want to cry. I am pretty sure my life is a little better because I got to listen to his music. So what gives me the right to sit in judgement on what others do with their life?

France - I used to have endless arguments with my french cousin about how her country is hopelessly socialist, doing it all wrong and is screwed up in so many ways. But I see that it is the only country which stood up to China with regards to Olympics. The Olympic torch was extinguished thrice in Paris and brought sharp focus to the Tibet problem. Compare that to our so called neo-capitalist country - like pussies, our govt. provided unprecedented security to the torch, which was pretty much invisible to the general public, and was only too keen to suppress pro-Tibet protests and toe the Chinese line. So a supposedly socialist country did a better job of upholding the ideal of liberty than a capitalist one, which is supposed to do that job better (at least in my book).

Of course, that only makes my guilt heavier - I did judge somebody very close once and hurt them very badly. And I'm still hopelessly sorry about it. My friend, if you are reading this, and if you still consider me that, I'm terribly sorry, I should not have done what I did. So what's the point I'm trying to make? Keep searching. What you thought is the truth, might not be. Be ready to question even your staunchest beliefs. That's all I can say.

So, now that my belief system is shaken so thoroughly, am I the sadder person? Surprisingly, not at all. I'm all the more happier, because I feel I'm a better person now. I found something new that brings new meaning to my life (no, it's not a girl, in case you're wondering). I'm taking a lot of things easier, and I hope I'm becoming an easier person to get along with. Time will tell :).

Movies are my escape.

I just realized that apart from music, movies are my escape. If I don't want to dwell on the darkness I sometimes see, I just go watch a movie. Thankfully, it doesn't involve alcohol or shopping :).