The Eternal Pain

It's not something new. I'm sure a thousands of people went through the
same thing again and again. But it still doesn't make it any easier. My
rather unusual career choices always mystified my relatives, friends and
former classmates (ok, probably classmates are not so surprised) but it
never really bothered me. Of course, I always wondered what it is like
to go to a regular job, get a regular salary, send money home, listen to
my parents, get married and be the perfect son.

But then, I cannot be that person. Perhaps it is indeed as blissful as
people seem to make it look - I don't know. I've never been a
conformist, though I always wished I had more courage to stand up to my
convictions when I was a kid. The status quo irritates me to no end, coz
I can see how much better things can be, if only some changes can be
made. Of course, those changes are never easy, which is something you
learn with experience. And I'd like to think that I've finally gathered
the courage to stand up to my parents, relatives and perhaps, myself.

Well, I can tell you one thing, though - gathering that courage is a
never ending process. Perhaps those doubts will stop when you've proven
them wrong - I don't know. But it definitely hurts when your parents,
who normally support you in front of everybody, privately express
doubts. It breaks my heart to look like a loser to my parents and
relatives, especially when it's so easy to look like the supposed
'winner' by just taking the easy way out. The constant reminders of
settling down - that guy is getting married, that guy bought so much
property, somebody else is so drawing so much salary - while you know
all along, the implication is that "what's wrong with you?".

It makes me angry, and the same time it makes me sad - the people who I
love the most cannot understand what I'm searching for. I've done it
before, and left it - the monthly paycheck doesn't give me happiness,
though I'd definitely like it if it were that easy. Sure, I would like
to get married and 'settle down' too, if only I knew for sure how my
future will be. The truth is, I don't know - and that's the answer for a
lot of questions. My mom asking these questions never hurt me, because
moms are like that, always worrying about things like that. But I guess
I have to get used to my dad asking me that too. It's especially hurts,
because you know you're trying to be everything he's not - and seemingly
failing. And he's trying to be gentle in the process. It kills you.

No dad, I wish there was a simple way to tell you this - I've buckled
under pressure before, and given up on who I really wanted to be - and
always regretted it, and wished I stood up to you. I hope I don't have
to live with those regrets again. If I fail, I'll fail. At least, I will
not carry a lifetime of regrets. It ends now. I'm sorry I couldn't be a
better son, Dad. Hope you understand. I'm trying to find myself. And
I'll be damned if I give up before I do so.